The Seven Fs

The scriptures referred to are Ephesians 4:25-5:2 and John 15:13-15.

There is a picture circulating on the internet of a passage someone has highlighted in a psychology textbook. It reads: “The hypothalamus plays a major role in the regulation of basic biological drives related to survival, including the so-called 'four Fs': fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.” And people on the internet have been having a field day commenting on the author's chosen euphemism in what they see as a feeble attempt to maintain decorum in his textbook. Some suggest other words beginning with F. The most popular is “fornicating.” Unfortunately, this refers specifically to unmarried people having sex and wouldn't apply to other animals. I prefer the biological term “fertilizing.”

I don't know why but there are a plethora of mnemonic devices involving 4 Fs. There are the 4 Fs of creating a business (forming, founding, forging and fruiting), business success (focus, follow-up, failure and friends), employee experience (form, flow, feeling, function), crisis communication (factual, frequent, fast and flexible) and many more. As a nurse and chaplain I find the list of 4 Fs relating to people's reactions to trauma helpful. They are: fight, flight, freeze and fawn.

I first came across the original 4 Fs, which were formulated in the 1950s and 60s, some time ago as a description of the 4 ways that organisms can relate to each other. But I've always felt they were incomplete. They limit our interactions to aggression and competition (fighting), fear and avoidance (fleeing), consumption and exploitation (feeding, if we take it as a metaphor and not as cannibalism) and sex. That's a bleak and almost psychopathic summary of human relationships. But if you consider that we are social animals, another F arises. And taking a term from social media, we can calling that “friending.” Which I like less than “befriending” but better than “fraternization.”

So there are at least 5 ways starting with F in which we can relate to one another. And while not everyone excluded from the first 4 Fs fits into the category of friend, we usually try to act friendly towards the average person we encounter. I may not expect the person serving me at a restaurant or a store or on the phone to become my bestie, I do expect them to be helpful and nice. In other words, friendly.

The early Quakers called themselves “Friends of Christ.” And indeed their official name is the Religious Society of Friends. I like that. Because at the last supper, Jesus called his disciples friends (John 15:15) He said it was because he shared with them everything he learned from his Father. And of course, friends do share with each other.

Friends also treat each other well. And that's not always something people associate with Christians. In fact, while we call each other brothers and sisters, sometimes that's because we treat each other a bit too familiarly. And sometimes we fight like family. Not all families are friendly to each other. But Christians should be. Maybe we need to look at the way true friends act toward each other.

In our passage from Ephesians, though he never uses the word friends, what Paul says would be good advice for how to maintain a friendship.

First he says, “So, then, putting away falsehood, let us all speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another.” Friends tell each other the truth. But they do it with love because they feel connected to one another. Sometimes churches are either too polite to tell someone who is disruptive the truth of how they are negatively affecting the community. Or they throw the truth in each other's faces, like a dysfunctional family. We need to learn to say, “Hey, can we talk?” And then together explore the truth of a situation in a beneficial way. And weirdly, we will often accept the truth from a friend before we will from a family member. But the important thing is, as Paul says a little earlier in the chapter, “speaking the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)

Even friends get mad at each other. Paul says, “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil.” Ever see a kid fight with a friend? They will blow up at each other and an hour or two later be playing together and be best friends again. They realize that whatever irritant triggered the anger was not worth destroying the friendship. Paul knows that to get angry is natural. The main thing is not to let it ruin the relationship. Cool down, sit down together, settle things, apologize and forgive.

Deal with it as soon as possible, preferably the same day, as Paul says. Don't hold a grudge, as we've seen aunts or cousins do in families. The longer the grudge is held, the bigger the incident becomes in the mind of the people involved. I think that's what Paul means about making room for the devil. The Greek word he uses, diabolos, literally means the “slanderer, the false accuser.” As time goes on, the person we were angry with gets more and more evil in our recollection. Get the splinter of the argument out before it festers and poisons the relationship.

Paul then says, “Thieves must give up stealing; rather let them labor and work honestly with their own hands, so as to have something to share with the needy.” This is more about members of a church community than friends, but it is hard to stay friends with someone who is dishonest and doesn't respect the personal property of others. I have met inmates who no longer had a relationship with anyone in their family, usually because of past betrayals and sometimes theft to maintain a substance disorder. Rebuilding trust is possible but it is hard. Friends don't rip off friends.

By the way, Paul reflects the Bible's consistent position on work: it should be honest and the person should be generous with the poor and needy. Nothing we have is really ours; it is on loan from God and we are to be good stewards of his gifts, sharing them with those in need. It is not a sin to be rich, provided you made your wealth honestly. It is a sin to be miserly and not help out the less fortunate.

Paul says, “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.” The Greek word translated “evil” here means “rotten.” Rot causes things to go bad and decay. Rot can spread. You can poison a relationship with certain words and ways of talking. Instead, we should use our speech to build up each other and the relationship, especially when we realize that the other person needs to hear such things. Our words should give grace—blessing and kindness—to those who hear them.

Paul says, “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption.” The word translated “grieve” has the connotation of causing distress or pain. How can we possibly do that to God's Spirit? The same way you can make your friend feel sorry for what you did to yourself. A real friend doesn't want to see you do self-destructive things. Neither does the Spirit of the God who loves you. Sin is destructive to oneself and to others and to our relationships with God and other people. Don't bring sorrow upon the Spirit by bringing unnecessary trouble upon yourself.

There is a meme out there about a real friend not being the one who tries to stop you from doing something foolish and risky but who is sitting beside you in the holding cell, saying, “Man, that was fun!” Nope. A real friend tries to talk you out of ruining your life and is not in the jail with you but the one who bails you out. And then says, “Dude, we need to talk.”

Paul then says, “Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice...” Those are all things that will poison a friendship or any relationship. All relationships go through rough patches but to continue to harbor resentment about them will make you bitter. Slander and insults will certainly harm your relationship with somebody. And malice—wishing evil upon someone—is the opposite of being a friend.

Paul continues, “...and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” The Greek word translated “tenderhearted” can also be rendered “compassionate.” Friends feel for one another and empathize with the pain one of them is feeling. As someone said, friendship halves our sorrows and doubles our joys.

And, as usual, our forgiveness of others is linked to God's forgiveness of us. In the Lord's Prayer, we say, “Forgive us our sins for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.” (Luke 11:4) Jesus explains, “For if you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you.” (Matthew 6:14-15) Paul puts it in a different way, saying we should forgive others because God forgives us. But why should forgiving someone else what they've done have anything to do with God forgiving me for what I've done? Aren't they two different things?

Not really. The problem with humans is that we have marred the image of God within us. That's what the God who is love wishes to restore. And we see that image most clearly in Jesus. (2 Corinthians 4:4; Colossians 1:15) So God wants us to “be conformed to the image of his Son.” (Romans 8:29) The whole point of what God is doing is for us to become more Christlike each day, until one day we will be like Jesus. (1 John 3:2) So therefore as Jesus forgives us, we are to forgive others.

Which is why Paul says, “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children...” It is natural for little kids to mimic their parents. As they get older they often rebel and try to be as different as possible. Stories are rife of PKs, or preacher's kids, who are holy terrors. Paul is encouraging us to return to imitating our heavenly Father.

Which leads to a 6^th F: following. And this is also a part of friendship. One friend is always the leader. The others follow. This can be bad when it results in a group doing stupid or terrible things. But sometimes the leader of a group of friends says, “My neighbor's house needs some repairs but he's too old to do them. Let's help him,” Or “The Run For Life needs volunteers. Who wants to join me?” Or “I've been driving a coworker to her cancer treatments but something has come up this week. Can any of you help me out?” Jesus is that kind of leader. And we should follow his lead.

Our passage concludes, “...and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” As Jesus said on the night he was betrayed, “No one has greater love than this—that one lays down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13) You see this in war. 7^th Day Adventist and Army medic Desmond Doss saved 75 men at the Battle of Okinawa by running into a fire zone time and again and carrying the wounded out. He was shot 4 times and was hit by 17 pieces of shrapnel when he tried to kick a grenade away from him and his men. He is the only conscientious objector to receive a medal of honor for his actions during the war. He was willing to give his life for his friends.

You see this in Corrie Ten Boom and her family, who hid Jews from the Nazis and were thrown into a concentration camp where her father and sister died. They did it for the persecuted minority they befriended.

You see it in Florence Nightingale, who saved the lives of sick and wounded soldiers in the Crimean War, and came home with an illness an awful lot like ME/CFS which plagued her for the rest of her 90 years of life. Yet she continued to revolutionize nursing from her sickbed, working through friends.

And while we may never find ourselves in a situation where we must give up our physical lives, we are expected to imitate Jesus' life of self-sacrificial love. We can give up parts of our lives—our time, our talents, our money—to show people how God in Christ loves them. Because actions speak louder than words. And the world is weary of Christians who don't back up their fine words with equally fine works.

Our life is not confined to fighting, fleeing, feeding and fertilizing. We can become friends with Jesus and with each other. And we can follow him into a much larger and more interesting and ultimately more fulfilling life. And that the 7^th F: fulfillment. Fulfillment of who we were created to be: reflections of the God who is love, who is light, who is life in all its abundance.