Real Success

Mark Twain said that when he was 14, his father was so stupid he could barely stand to have the old fool around. But when Twain reached the age of 21, he was amazed at how much his father had learned in those 7 years. Time can change your perspective.

When my daughter graduated in 2003, I attended and participated in a number of events and I heard a lot of speeches, some from older people and some from younger. They were full of good advice and I don't think that needs to be repeated. However I noticed how sweeping a lot of the statements were. Of course, we must speak in generalizations at most times. If we had to quantify every thought carefully, we'd never be able to express ourselves. But I thought the advice could use some qualifications and some nuances. So here are my footnotes to the advice graduates have been and will be given.

Graduates are usually exhorted to “follow your dreams no matter what. Don't let people change you or stop you. Don't ever compromise your vision.” That is very sound advice—if you already have a vision and it is very well thought out. But few of us have such a clear grasp on what we want to do and how to realize it. Gene Roddenberry was a World War II pilot and then a commercial pilot and then a cop, before he became a television writer and then a producer and finally created Star Trek. And even after he made the pilot episode, he then had to rethink the whole thing and make a second pilot with a new cast before NBC bought the series.

I didn't start out to be a priest. I thought I'd be an actor and then a writer and then a professor. And I became a nurse and then went into radio and in a very roundabout way I became first a lay preacher and then an ordained member of the clergy. Most dreamers have to modify their visions due to circumstances and due to new insights.

Even if you now have a good idea of what you want to do with your life, it will grow as you grow and change as you change. A lot of the process will be a matter of separating what is essential to your dream from what is not and what is doable from what is not. Sometimes the obstacles make what you achieve better. When he made Star Wars, George Lucas was laboring under time and money restrictions. Even though his first movie, American Graffiti, was an unexpected hit, the studio didn't have much confidence in his science fiction movie. So they let him buy back the rights to the movie. After it became an even bigger hit, Lucas could do pretty much whatever he wanted for the rest of his career. He turned out some good sequels, written and directed by others. He also created three prequels which are usually considered worse, due to his writing, directing and his love of big spectacle over the realistic depiction of characters. Reigning in his dreams a bit might have made his movies better.

And what happens if your dream is faulty in and of itself? Hitler had a dream. He followed it and succeeded beyond his wildest imagination. He went from a homeless, failed artist to the ruler of most of Europe. Had he invaded England after Dunkirk, he very well could have then turned his attention to Russia and defeated it. The two superpowers could have been America and the Nazi empire, each a nuclear power. So the nature of your dream is important. Some people should be talked out of their dreams, especially if they would cause harm to others.

Notice that I said “harm.” Always be careful to distinguish “harm” from “hurt.” Following your dream may hurt the feelings of others. Jesus' mother and brothers thought he was crazy. (Mark 3:21) What he did alarmed them and certainly his death pierced his mother's heart. (Luke 2:35) But Jesus was right and after his resurrection, his family became believers. (Acts 1:14) His brother James became head of the church in Jerusalem and became known as “James the Just.” (Acts 15:13; 21:18; Galatians 1:19; 2:9) What Hitler did harmed people; what Jesus did may have hurt feelings, dashed the dreamed of others, and upset the neatly planned lives of people up to this day, but it ultimately brought healing to the world. Many Christians opposed Hitler. Some protected Jews at their own peril, raised Jewish children as their own, joined the resistance, and opposed evil in countless ways, because they took following Jesus seriously. Some died for their faith. But lives were saved and hearts changed by their example.

In graduation speeches, as in Disney cartoons, people are urged to believe in themselves. Sadly, confidence and competence don't always go hand in hand. You will run into people who really believe in themselves—and shouldn't! I knew a kid in high school who had a burning desire to become a stand-up comedian. He just had one tiny problem: he couldn't tell a joke. His timing was terrible. And he wouldn't take advice from anyone on how to improve. He wouldn't dream of changing the way he did things. He had the confidence but not the talent. And that's too bad. Because often people have failed in their original dreams only to find their true talents in other areas. John Wayne wanted to be a football player. A career-ending injury made him turn to being an extra in movies and eventually one of Hollywood's biggest stars. Oxford professor C.S. Lewis wanted to be a poet. He became a Christian and he became well-known as a Christian apologist and children's author. What you think you'd be good at and what you really are good at can be quite different. Don't let a great but unachievable dream keep you from using the opportunity presented by a good one that you can achieve. Be open and flexible.

On the other hand you will meet people who have talent but no confidence. They give up too easily. It is to such people that I think much of the graduation advice is directed. We all know delightful people with great ideas or real talent who are afraid to follow them up. They fear ridicule and rejection and so hide their light under a bushel. To them I say: you need not be alone. God will be with you if you put your trust in him. He has given you gifts and he expects you to develop and use them. He will help you but you have to make the leap of faith. Throughout your life you will probably have to take several. Do not let fear defeat you. It will haunt you forever as regret. If your dreams are rooted in the gifts God has given you, if they will bring honor and glory to him. And if they do not harm others, if you listen to and learn from others taking the same path, God will be with you and cause you to succeed. Don't hold back.

And it doesn't matter if you wish to be a performer or a cop, an athlete or a landscaper, a teacher or a truck driver, a politician or a nurse, an author or a house spouse. Every time we say the Lord's Prayer we pray for God's kingdom to come and that his will be done on earth. How will that happen if we don't perform his will in every job, every place and every aspect of life? We need Christians in and out of the spotlight. We need them in the government and in the ditches, in the arts and in accounting, in M.I.T. and in the D.M.V., in the cyberworld and in the third world, in the real estate business and in the home.

One word of warning, though: the last enemy of success is success. You will stumble and fall at times as you follow your dream. But it's when you reach the pinnacle that your position is the most precarious and your fall the most damaging. Beware of arrogance. Beware of falling into the habit of simply repeating what worked in the past. The skills that got you where you wanted to go may not keep you there. Learn not only from your mistakes but those of others.

Will Rogers said, “We are all ignorant, just in different things.” Remember that. Never believe that you know it all. Always remember that everyone else, no matter how unimpressive they seem, knows things that you don't. Learn from them. Share what you know. Behind every successful person is usually a team. It's when a man thinks that he did it all himself that he is most apt to fail. Even Jesus had a team: the disciples.

His team is our team. Wherever you go, find a church where people are really following Jesus, loving God and loving other people, especially little people. The powerful will always have their defenders and friends. God has nothing against the rich and successful, provided they are honest, humble and generous defenders and friends of the powerless. As Psalm 68 says, “Father of orphans and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God gives the desolate a home to live in; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity...Blessed be the Lord who daily bears us up.” (Psalm 68:5-6,19)

Never take a step without God. Talk to him constantly. Confess your sins and your fears and then leave them with him. Ask for his help and then step out, trusting in him to make it work out for your good. He won't always give you what you want but he will provide you with what you need.

Finally, get to know God beyond what you may have picked up in Sunday school or the occasional sermon. First, do so by reading the Bible. It's a collection of all the ways that people have encountered God and what they have learned about him. It has stories of adventure, discovery, heartbreak and redemption. It has poetry and songs. It has satire and humor. It has heroes, villains, sages and fools. It has examples to follow and examples of what to avoid. It has much to teach you about sex, war, family, betrayal, forgiveness, self-sacrifice and love.

Then put what you learn into practice. For you will learn even more about him and about yourself by serving God through serving others in the Spirit of Jesus, who turned the apparent failure of the cross into real success three days later on the first Easter morning.

This was first preached on June 1, 2003. There has been some updating.

A Prayer for Graduates

Lord God, King of the Universe, Loving heavenly Father, we come before you to celebrate the graduation and the achievements of these, our children. As they approach the threshold of adulthood, we confess that we are anxious for them. While they are finding their places in a world that is, at best, indifferent and, at worst, hostile to them and to you, we ask that you be their shield and their guide through the journey of this life.

We ask that you bestow on them such gifts as you graced your servants in the past.

May they be curious, as your servant Moses was, when he turned aside to investigate the burning bush, so that they too may seek and see you at work in your creation.

May they be attentive, as your servant Samuel was, when he slept by your altar, that they may respond at any time to your call to service.

May they be wise, as your servant Solomon was, that they may distinguish what is true from what is not quite true, what is valuable from what only seems to be of value, what is important from what is not, and what is essential from what is important.

May they be courageous, as your servant Jeremiah was, who spoke the truth despite threats and punishment, that they may seek your approval rather than that of others.

May they be forgiving, as your servant Stephen was, that they may be delivered from sulking, bitterness, envy and all the ways in which we let others steal our joy.

May they be trusting, as your servant Abraham was, that they may accept your promises, and despite discouraging circumstances, live in anticipation of their fulfillment.

May they be humble as your servant Paul was, not through denying their talents and strengths but by acknowledging their incompleteness and weaknesses, that they see themselves and others realistically and remember their need for you.

May they be loving, as your Son Jesus is, that they may know the joy of serving others, of bringing healing and good news to the less fortunate and reconciliation to their enemies.

And, Lord, give them a vision of how they may change the world for the better and a passion to pursue it, that they may not drift through their lives but find their purpose in the extension of your gracious reign to every aspect of our lives and your world.

And may we, their parents, learn the fine art of letting our children go without letting them down, of letting them be themselves, yet always enabling them to be their best selves, the persons you have created them to be.

Lord, we thank you for the privilege of parenthood, of loving and raising children and of launching the next generation. And we thank you for the privilege of having parents and people who care for us and worry about us and teach us and make our health and wellbeing their top priority. Forgive us, O Lord, for the injuries we have inflicted on our children and on our parents as we forgive.

Bless us as we voyage into the future. And let us always remember that as dark as it may appear to us, to you it is as clear as midday and we need not fear what is to come as long as we face it with you at our side and in our hearts.

We ask these things in the name of your Son Jesus Christ, who died that we might be spared the worst of all conceivable futures and rose that we might inherit the best of all possible futures, and in the power of the Holy Spirit, who, working in us, can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine, and who live and reign with you, Father, one God, forever and ever. Amen.

Composed for a Baccalaureate for Marathon High School on May 23, 2003.

Real Love

The scriptures referred to are 1 John 5:1-6 and John 15:9-17.

A young woman was lamenting the state of her marriage. “Is that all there is? You get up, work all day, come home, eat dinner, watch TV and go to bed?” Those of us who had been married for a couple of decades reflected on all the rough times, the uncertain times, the sad times, and the hectic times, and we thought, “Yeah. That's actually not too bad a day!” Real life is seldom like that of a cute couple in a TV sitcom.

But it wasn't enough for her. The next thing we knew she was divorced and then very involved with a handsome young man. He was great...except for the other woman. But he really loved her. He was going to dump that other woman. It had been a long term relationship but he didn't love the other woman anymore. He was just looking for the right time to break it off. In the meantime, she had to clear out of his place whenever the other woman was in town. But he really loved her.

I don't know all the details about her marriage. She later said it was abusive. But if so, it looks like she traded one kind of abuse for another. She couldn't see, though, because she was madly in love...with emphasis on the word “madly.”

Plato classified love as “a grave mental illness.” And people have done some strange things while in love. But it is wonderful, especially in the early stages when you are intoxicated by the presence, the look, the sound, the touch, the smell and the very thought of your beloved. Neuroscientists say that brain scans of people in love look a lot like those of people who are addicted. But the infatuation doesn't last. And that's probably for the best. To live forever in that state of excitement would probably exhaust and possibly even kill us eventually. But inevitably that phase fades, like the initial roar of a car starting up. As C.S. Lewis points out, you wouldn't want your car to rev all the time. It's bad for the engine. It needs to settle down to a gentle purr. And so should love.

Because real love is not measured by the craziness that it inspires. It is measured by how long it lasts, how many crises it weathers, how many sacrifices it gladly makes for the well-being of the people involved, how close it draws us together, how much we support each other and provide what the other lacks. Love that doesn't issue in faithfulness and commitment is just a passing, if passionate, feeling.

Last week's passage from 1 John contains one of the best known statements in the Bible: "God is love." But what does John mean by that? Does he mean that God is a good feeling? A pleasant thought? A greeting card sentiment?

He wrote: “In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” (1 John 4:10) John is not being sentimental, nor is he naive. He saw what love did. His best friend hung on a cross in agony for six hours. He heard Christ, who from eternity had always known the love of his Father, cry out as he experienced estrangement from God. That withdrawal of God's presence should have been ours, the end result of our rebellion against God. But Jesus took it upon himself. John knows all about God's love. It is costly but constant.

It is very much like a parent's love. A parent makes sacrifices for the good of the child. A career is put on hold; a vacation is deferred to pay for braces; a night's sleep is sacrificed so a science project is finished. In the animal kingdom, a bird might flop around pretending to have a broken wing to distract a fox from finding her nest. A she-bear will attack a much larger male to defend her cubs.

But Jesus surrenders his life for us. He who is the Father's beloved Son lays down his life to win back his errant creation. This is love of a higher order. The Trinity, the Father loving the Son loving the Father, united in the Spirit of love, opened itself to loss and pain and alienation and death. God opened himself to the Great Negative...and swallowed it up. (Isaiah 25:7-8) All he is was poured into and filled the void that terrifies us. And we love him because he displayed such love to us.

And if we are connected to him, he fills us with his love: eternal love, love from before all things were made, the love that circulates between the Father, Son and Spirit. If we maintain that connection, that love cannot help but overflow from us and into others.

But it is not a warm, fuzzy feeling. Jesus didn't walk around hugging people like someone in the first blush of infatuation. He went about doing what had to be done: healing the sick, correcting misunderstandings about God, encouraging those on the right track, explaining the kingdom of God, and bringing in society's outcasts. At times, Jesus gets exasperated with his disciples because they aren't getting it. But he keeps on doing what he must, like a parent.

The picture we get of Jesus in the gospels is not sentimental. But that's because it is the portrait of a person trying to raise a family. That may sound odd because the disciples are all grownups. But to God, they are like children. Jesus is doing what any good parent does: trying to get them to the point where they can stand on their own.

Some people call their pets their “fur babies.” But real children grow up and stop having to be fed, stop having to be cleaned up after they poop and pee, stop having to have someone babysit or check on them if you are gone for a significant period of time. Babies are cute but no sane parent wants them to remain infants forever. You want your children to become mature, responsible adults. Sometimes you despair of them ever doing so but that is still your hope.

And all normal children want to grow up. They want to drive a car and have their own money and make their own decisions. When you're a kid you sometimes feel like a second-class citizen. You hate the way people talk down to you, the way they don't give your opinions the same weight as an older person's, not to mention the restrictions laid on you.

The parent-child relationship is a dance in which both sides are learning the steps as they go along. And just when you get the hang of it, the dance changes. A parent spends the first half of the dance learning how to take total care of another person. Then they spend the second half of the dance learning to relinquish that total responsibility. Meanwhile the child is learning to be her own person while still being a member of the family.

So sometimes Jesus comes across as a parent. Sometimes he gets frustrated with how dense his disciples are, muttering about how much longer he is going to have to put up with this. (Matthew 17:17) Other times he is praising Peter for getting something right. (Matthew 16:17) But in today's gospel, the relationship changes. Jesus says, “I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant doesn't know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father.”

The parent-child relationship starts to change subtly when a child is grown. They still don't know everything they ought to, though they think they do. They still need some experience at being adults, but you can talk to them on a level approaching equality. You can talk to them more like friends.

Jesus is saying something similar here. It is time for him to go. The disciples aren't completely ready but close enough. Now he needn't talk down to them. He can speak more intimately. The relationship is changing. Using the Greek words for the various kinds of love, we can say the love is growing from storge, the Greek word for family love or affection, to phileos, the word for friendship. But maturity won't come until they've experienced agape, divine love, the kind Jesus demonstrates on the cross.

There is one kind of love not mentioned in today's readings: eros, romantic love. But it is used in parts of the Bible. In the Old Testament, it is used as a metaphor for God's relationship with Israel, that of husband and wife. In the New Testament, it is used as a metaphor for Jesus' relationship with the church, that of bridegroom and bride. This is definitely cast in the pattern of the Ancient Near East, where the husband has the final word. But it is meant to show how much God loves us and is tied to us by a covenant. And while we frequently let him down, he never forgets to live up to his part of the relationship. This is true love: he doesn't just say he will love you forever, he promises to do so. And then he keeps those promises despite fluctuations of feelings. That's why we say in the marriage ceremony that “it is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God.” Our marriages should mirror God's covenant with his people. But whether they do or not, God's promise to us is unbreakable.

And there's one more thing. Loving God means loving people. As it says in today's passage from 1 John, if we love God, the parent, we should love his children, our brothers and sisters in Christ. As we read last week, anyone who says they love God but who hates their brothers and sisters is a liar. If you don't love those you can see, how can you love the God you can't see? (1 John 4:20) 

Preachers of hate do not serve the God who is love. Because God loves his enemies and so must we. Not sentimentally but practically as Jesus did: healing, correcting, encouraging, explaining and including. And just as we see in Jesus' life, it's not always easy; it's not exciting; it's not always fun. But it is always rewarding, provided we look to the source of all rewards: our Father, our friend, our spouse, our God, whose love never fails.

This was first preached on April 25, 2003. There has been some updating.