The Necessity of Forgiveness

 The scriptures referred to are Matthew 18:21-35.

You can't write in any real depth about androids or artificial intelligence without acknowledging Isaac Asimov's 3 Laws of Robotics. The science fiction writer hated Frankenstein stories where robots revolted against their creators. Because they would be programmed not to, he said. In 1940, with editor John Campbell, he came up an ethical system that would be part of the basic operating system of any artificial being. The first law says, “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.” The second law adds, “A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except when such orders would conflict with the First Law.” And, because an artificial being would be a very expensive piece of technology, the third law states, “A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First and Second Laws.” Later Asimov, apparently loathe to change the number of his now iconic 3 Laws, came up with a “Zeroth” Law: “A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm. This law requires the robot to compute the consequences of his actions as they affect the Greater Good for the Greater Number for the Long Term, as most actions affecting many people will harm someone or some group in benefit to another.” Of course, since most stories need conflict, Asimov had to figure out ways to get to get around his laws or exploit the gray areas they created. But all in all it's not a bad ethical system.

Of course, robots have no free will and so they must follow their programming. But human beings do have free will. We regularly harm others or let them come to harm and break laws intended for the greater good for the greater number of people for the long-term. Which explains the state of the world. And one of the things that keeps society from descending into total chaos and keeps most relationships from falling apart is the subject of today's gospel: forgiveness.

Peter asks Jesus, “If my sibling sins against me, how often should I forgive them? Up to 7 times?” (my translation) Why is Peter asking for a specific number? Because the rabbis liked to quantify everything. They said you should forgive someone 3 times. And the basis for this was that in Amos, he gives a series of condemnations for 4 offenses. So the rabbis reasoned that God will forgive people no more than 3 times. So Peter is being very generous, taking the rabbinic number of times you forgive, doubling it and adding one. Possibly because in Biblical symbolism, the number 7 denotes perfection. But it could also be that having spent a lot of time listening to Jesus' preaching, he figures his rabbi is a lot more forgiving than most. Peter is right that Jesus is more merciful but still way off.

Jesus says the number of times to forgive a brother or sister in Christ is not 7 times but 77 times. Jesus may have chosen this number as a contrast to the arrogant Lamech who early in Genesis says, “I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for injuring me. If Cain is avenged seven times, then Lamech seventy-seven times.” (Genesis 4:23-24) This could be the dictionary definition of overkill. Jesus says that rather we should be as merciful as this petty sociopath is cruel. However, what Jesus says can also be translated “70 times 7.” There's an internet cartoon where a disciple, overhearing this, goes, “Great! Not only do I have to forgive my brother, now I have to do math!” I think Jesus is being hyperbolic to make a point. Our default response when someone sins against us is to be ready to forgive.

To illustrate why, Jesus tells a parable about a Gentile king who is owed an impossible amount of money by a slave. Seriously, 10,000 talents is hundreds of times what Herod brought in as tax revenue. And we know the king must be Gentile because Jewish rabbis opposed selling wives and children to pay a debt. But this king is merciful. When the slave begs for more time to repay the debt, the king instead forgives the debt. A happy ending. Except it isn't. The slave runs into another slave who owes him a millionth of the other debt and he chokes him, and has him thrown in prison, though the second slave made the very same appeal that the first slave made to the king. When this gets back to the king, he rebukes the slave for not being as merciful as he, the king, was, and has him imprisoned and tortured. This last bit was another sign this is a Gentile king and would have horrified Jesus' Jewish audience just as it horrifies us.

Jesus' point is that in the kingdom of God, forgiveness is not a last resort option but a primary way of dealing with sin. God forgives us and we are expected to forgive others. In fact that's what it means in the Lord's Prayer when we say, “Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matthew 6:12) And Jesus goes on to explain, “For if you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15)

Why is that? Jesus' parable gives us one reason: it isn't fair. If God forgives you, you should do the same to others. Otherwise you are trying to restrict to yourself a huge benefit others also need. Jesus said we are to treat others as we want to be treated. We like to be forgiven when we mess up. We should offer the same to others.

But there is another big reason. The kingdom of God only works if its citizens have certain moral qualities. Just as an accounting firm won't function very long if they employ people who refuse to learn to do math correctly, God's kingdom can't function as such if the people in it are refusing to be godly. God is more forgiving than the rabbis thought, and if we live under his reign, we must be as well.

But if we are to forgive, we really ought to learn what forgiveness is and what it is not. And for some of this I am relying on a very perceptive article I found to my surprise on Wikipedia when researching forgiveness. It points out that forgiveness is not condoning the wrong someone did. You are not saying that what they did is all right. If it were it would not need forgiving.

Forgiveness is not excusing what the person did wrong, saying that they weren't responsible. If the person causing the injury is a small child or a mentally ill or developmentally disabled adult, excusing them is appropriate but not for a rational adult.

Forgiveness is not denying that the wrong happened, nor diminishing the hurt the injured party suffered.

Forgiveness is facing the wrong done and both voluntarily and intentionally changing one's feelings and attitudes towards the offense. It is overcoming negative emotions like resentment and the desire for revenge and ideally, replacing them with positive emotions, like wishing the offender well. It is not the same as reconciliation but is a step in that process.

Ideally, forgiveness is preceded by the offender admitting wrong and asking for forgiveness. And when they confess to what they did, they shouldn't be offering excuses. In domestic violence situations, the abuser will afterwards often say, “I'm sorry but if you just didn't do so-and-so I wouldn't lose my temper.” That's not a confession but an excuse.

Also if the offense is part of a pattern, the offender should make a serious promise to change their behavior. If they keep forgetting to pick up the kids after practice, setting an alarm on their phone or watch or both should help. If it is a more serious problem, they should be willing to get help in the form of medical treatment or therapy or by attending a specific support group. And seriously making the effort is a sign that they are truly sorry and want to change. That's what the true meaning of repentance is: changing.

In a healthy relationship, both partners are willing to admit it when they hurt the other and are willing to forgive. If they aren't or all efforts come from one person and not the other, that relationship will become toxic and usually not last.

Unfortunately, sometimes we are involved in an incident where the person who did the harm is not willing to admit wrong or ask for forgiveness. What should we do then?

When Jesus told us to love our enemies, it is understood that first we must forgive them. And, as we learned in last week's gospel passage, we, the injured, must take the first step. That's hard. But no harder than it was for Jesus, who has left us an example, as we shall see.

I once had an inmate approach me about forgiving someone. His sister had been the victim of a serial killer who was now incarcerated in California. He knew that as a Christian he should forgive her killer but he couldn't bring himself to do it. I was momentarily stunned because I have never been in any situation like that, and I'm not sure if I could find it in me to forgive such a person. Then I remembered something Jacqui Bond observed. On the cross Jesus says, regarding his executioners, “Father, forgive them for they don't know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34) Jesus is not saying, “I forgive you” but asking his Father to do so. So I told the man whose sister was murdered to try asking God to forgive her killer and ask God help him to get to the point where he could forgive the man himself. I told him that as long as he didn't forgive the man, the killer was taking up space in his head and making him another victim. He may have to forgive him for his own good. And indeed studies have shown that forgiving others is beneficial for people's mental and physical health, lowering blood pressure, cortisol levels and stress. It is literally good for your heart.

It can also be good for your relationships with others. One woman was eaten up with hatred and rage towards the man who murdered one of her sons. Until she realized that she was neglecting her other kids and her husband because of her feelings. She realized she had to forgive her son's killer to continue her life with her family. And so she started visiting him in prison. And, as I have found in my time as a jail chaplain, he didn't claim to be innocent or deny his crime. Though it didn't excuse what he did, he was a pretty messed up individual with a screwed up childhood. She found compassion for him and, repenting, he found forgiveness for the worst thing he had done.

Often in such cases the decision to forgive comes before the ability to emotionally forgive someone. Sometimes forgiveness precedes healing but sometimes a person must heal before they can bring themselves to forgive. It is part of a process which today is called post-traumatic growth.

One of the odd things I've noticed is that God is more willing to forgive us than we are to forgive ourselves. I have talked to people who were beating themselves up over something they had done, often years and years ago. I would ask if they had asked God to forgive them and they said, “Yes.” And so I would quote to them 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” And I point out the word “all.” He forgives us and cleanses us from all our sins, not just some of them. I tell them that since Jesus took the punishment for their sins, they can stop punishing themselves. And they are grateful to hear this good news.

If we just obeyed the rules of living together and didn't do things that harm others, we would not need to confess and ask for and receive forgiveness. But we don't always obey the rules. We don't always think of the harm we may be doing to others. And when we are the one harmed, forgiving the person who harmed us is the last thing on our mind. We want revenge. We want them to suffer as we have. And so injustice begets more injustice and violence begets more violence. Someone needs to break the cycle.

That someone is you. And me. God gave us a good world and we have messed it up badly. Yet he has forgiven us. And he expects us to forgive others. It's a key part of cleaning up the mess we have made of his creation. It is part of the good news of what God has done for us in Christ and is doing in us through his Spirit. He never said it would be easy. But neither is it optional. Jesus called us to be peacemakers. He gave us the ministry of reconciliation. He said, “Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy.” If we do not forgive others, we may be a lot of things, but we won't be Christians.