The Big 10

This was preached on November 11, 2005. There has been some revising.

The suggestion I drew from the sermon box was to do the 10 Commandments as “Ren and Stimpy.” One of the kids must have written that one. And, I'm sorry, I'm not going to do that because (A) while I am aware of those cartoon characters because my kids watched them as children, I never managed to make it through an entire episode and I don't think I could do them justice. And (B) Ren, the dog, speaks like Peter Lorre. If I did that voice for the whole sermon, I wouldn't have much of a voice for the rest of the liturgy. But I understand the impulse to retell stories in a lighthearted fashion. I think Mr. Magoo's version of A Christmas Carol is still the best musical version, if not the best dramatization, of Dicken's classic story. And humor is great for bringing out truth. So with the help of my ventriloquist dummy Ebenezer, I'd like to recreate the giving of the 10 Commandments.

Ebenezer: Oooo! Do I get to be the Lord?

Chris: No, you get to be Moses.

E: How come I never get top billing?

C: Because without me, I think you'd find yourself speechless.

E: [Sigh] I told Kermit the frog we needed a union. [looking at his costume, a towel] When it comes to costumes, I can see you've spared every expense.

C: Stop complaining. Time to get in character. [Calling] Moses!

Moses: Here I am, Lord! [Panting] Did you have to choose such a high mountain? I'm 80, you know! Isn't there some nice Starbucks in the valley where we can talk?

God: Don't you like the view?

M: Well, yes. I mean I would if there wasn't so much smoke around! [Coughs]

G: Sorry. That just happens whenever I manifest myself as fire.

M: Couldn't you manifest yourself as something else? It gives me the willies talking to this huge pillar of fire. [Coughs] Not to mention the whole secondhand smoke issue.

G: Believe me: this is the least scary thing I could appear as.

M: How about appearing as a human? You'd be a lot easier to relate to.

G: Hmmm. I'll think about that. Do you know what I called you up here?

M: Toasting marshmallows?

G: No. It's time we talked about our relationship.

M: Oh, boy! This isn't going to be any fun!

G: Why do you say that?

M: Because it isn't fun when my wife says that. I can't imagine what it means when your God wants to talk about your relationship!

G: What I mean is the relationship between me and the people of Israel. We need to lay down some rules.

M: That seems fair. How many rules are we talking about?

G: 613.

M: Whoa! Whoa! Can't you just give us the Cliff's Notes version?

G: Well, I was thinking of starting out with 10 big rules.

M: Ten? That's ok. We can let the lawyers work out the rest.

G: Lawyers?

M: I've got to give them something to do now that they can't file that class action lawsuit.

G: What class action lawsuit?

M: Against Egypt for making us slaves. It was just a backup plan in case the 10 plagues didn't work out. But now that Pharaoh and his army are drowned, there's no one to sue. The lawyers are really upset about all the hours they could have billed.

G: Nevermind that. Let's get started.

M: Wait a second. I don't have a papyrus or reed to write with!

G: I'll do it myself. In stone.

M: Of course. Mountaintop. Fire. Rules written in stone. You sure like symbolism, don't you?

G: It's a language everyone understands. Let me begin this way: “I, the Lord, am your God, who brought you out of Egypt, from the house of bondage.”

M:That's a rule?

G: No, that's the preamble. I'm setting out who I am and why I am making this covenant.

M: Covenant? That's like an agreement, a contract, isn't it?

G; All the kings are making them these days.

M: So you're our king?

G: And God. Which brings me to the first rule: “You shall have no other gods besides me.”

M: None? That's new. The Egyptians had so many gods—for rain, for sun, for this and that. Folks got used to it. You knew who to go to for what you needed. That's gonna be a hard habit to give up.

G: That's the deal. Who do you think those 10 plagues were targeted at? Those imaginary Egyptian gods. Those plagues showed that no one was in charge of the sun or the Nile or health or life but me. Remember: I liberated you from slavery in a foreign land and I am taking you to the land I promised to your ancestors. Our relationship is exclusive. And if it makes it any easier, there will be only one person to go to now—me. There's no bureaucracy in heaven.

M: That's a good point. One God, one set of rules for everyone.

G: As a consequence of that, here's rule 2: “You shall not make images of anything in heaven, or earth, or elsewhere...”

M: Not even dollies for the kids?

G: I'm not done. “...and you shall not worship or serve them.”

M: Oh, I see. That's the exclusivity thing again. Like in a marriage.

G: What can I say? I'm a passionate and loving God. If you reject me, the source of all good things, you are going to see the effects, not only in your own life, but in those of your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. But if you stick with me, you will see the positive effects of living in my love for thousands of generations.

M: Kinda like karma. But why not let us make images of you?

G: First of all, how could you make an image of me? I'm Spirit. Look, I have nothing against art. I just don't like being reduced to something a lot smaller and completely comprehensible and controllable. Because I'm not. People are always trying to whittle me down to something they can manage, something with limitations and with borders I can't cross. I'm not that kind of God.

M: But borders are so comforting. Oh, well. Next rule?

G: “You shall not use the name of the Lord your God in an empty or deceitful way, for the Lord will not clear the person who does so.”

M: You mean like swearing?

G: Yeah, but also swearing falsely. Or using my name as a magic word. I'm not a genie. And I don't like having my name thrown around casually. I also don't like my name attached to people's statements or actions thoughtlessly. I don't do endorsements of human agendas. After all, you wouldn't want someone using your name to justify any old scheme they came up with?

M: No. And that reminds me. I need to talk to that guy who's selling hot dogs to Hebrews.

G: 4^th big rule: “Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.” I rested after 6 days. So should you. Unlike me, you need rest.

M: I guess the slaves will have to take up the slack that day.

G: No one is to work then, not even the slaves or the beasts of burden. In sacred matters, all people are equal. In the first 3 rules, I've told you how not to dishonor me. This is the one thing I ask you to do to honor me. I want you to spend time with me. So set aside the day as holy.

M: That's only fair. It's very easy to forget someone if you don't spend time with them. What's the next rule?

G: “Honor your father and your mother so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”

M: Hey, that rule's not about you, though. That's about humans.

G: I care about humans and how they're treated. That's why I made you in my image. That's why whatever you do to each other you are in a sense doing to me. Especially parents. They are supposed to be my surrogates. They are supposed to raise you in love and teach you my rules. You should respect them for that.

M: I'm all for that. If my parents hadn't hidden me in that basket, I'd be dead. And I wouldn't have been raised as an heir to Pharoah. Nor would I have my brother Aaron to speak for me.

G: By the way, where's that speech impediment so severe that you said you couldn't be my spokesman?

M: Oh, uh...I just get that way when I am afraid. Like when I have to do public speaking. Uh, what's next?

G: “No murder.”

M: No w-w-w-what?

G: Murder. Murdering a person created in my image is like murdering me symbolically. Remember?

M: But what if someone is, uh, beating a slave? A Hebrew slave? And he's an Egyptian?

G: I know all about what you did. And yet I'm still entrusting all this to you, aren't I? But, yes, everyone is made in my image and so every murder counts. But I am forgiving. We'll get to the matter of atonement later.

M: Whew! Next rule?

G: “No adultery.”

M: Well, that's straightforward. And, to be honest, hard.

G: Remember what you said about this covenant relationship being like a marriage? You're right. And I expect respect, love and faithfulness in both relationships.

M: Of course. What else?

G: “No stealing.”

M: No explanation needed. Next?

G: “You must not say false things about your neighbor.”

M: Another good rule. And last of all?

G: “You shall not desire your neighbor's household; not his wife, not his slaves, nor his livestock, nor anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

M: Uh, Lord? This rule is different. The others are about behavior. This one is about—emotions.

G: People usually break rules for emotional reasons—greed, envy, anger, lust, fear, hatred, laziness, arrogance. I want you to know I'm interested in people obeying the spirit of the law, not just the letter. Basically, obeying these laws is about love: loving me with all you've got and loving your neighbor as much as you do yourself. Hey, that's good. I want that in my law as well. As I've said I've got more to say on these things.

M: Well, we're gonna need more than a couple of stone tablets to get it all down. We may need to write a whole book about what you've got to say as well as what you've done for us. And we can title the book “God.”

G: I think it'll take more than just one book.

M: Well, then we can do a sequel. We'll call it “Son of God.”

G: I like it!